Were you born stupid?

Mischa Barton was arrested today for DUI, possession of narcotics and driving with a suspended license, according to TMZ:

The former “O.C.” star was pulled over early this morning around 2:45 AM as she was driving in West Hollywood, Calif., and is still in custody, being held on $10,000 bail.

That’s bad. But not as bad as these photos of Mischa Barton unveiling the new line of Keds sneakers. I had no idea her career was that far in the toilet. After looking at these, I’m pretty much convinced her agent is a ham sandwich.

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Fergie and Josh Duhamel got engaged sometime over the Christmas weekend. Their reps won’t confirm the exact date, but they say the two are officially getting married. E! News reports:

The proposal comes after Fergie told Blender earlier this month that she was in no real rush to get engaged because she and Duhamel were “practically married, anyway.”
“I’m madly in love with him,” she said of her now fiancé. “He understands how to treat a woman and give me respect.”

It’s official: Josh Duhamel hates his penis. This makes the tattoo on my chest no longer a random sentence that mysteriously appeared after a night of malt liquor. I can proudly go shirtless to family gatherings. Who’s the loser now, dad?

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Tiffany Pollard the star of VH1’s I Love New York is engaged to the season two winner George Weisgerber (a.k.a. Tailor Made). Tailor Made originally proposed to New York on the season finale, but she turned him down only to choose him as her true love in the final elimination. She decided after a second proposal to say “yes,” according to People:

Weisgerber, who was separated while taping the show and is currently finalizing his divorce, admits he “always had a crush” on Pollard, and thought it fate when casting for season two began. “She needs a guy who will treat her right and respects her and values her for who she is, he told PEOPLE recently. “Our personalities complete each other. I cherish her and want to cater to her every need. But I’m not a doormat. We have a good balance.”

Considering this gossip is based on a reality show, I question its entire validity. In fact, I’m convinced that New York is really a Muppet. You’d think they’d at least make her super-hot like Miss Piggy. God, I’d do things to that pig. If only that puppeteer’s arm wasn’t always in my way…

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Paris Hilton’s grandfather Barron Hilton has promised 97% of his $2.3 billion wealth to charity which includes his net worth and various trusts. Barron wants to see his money used for good after his passing and not have it wasted on Paris. Reuters reports:

Jerry Oppenheimer, who profiled the Hilton family in his 2006 book “House of Hilton,” has said Barron Hilton is embarrassed by the behaviour of his socialite granddaughter Paris and believes it has sullied the family name.

If I was Barron Hilton and I really wanted to make the world a better place, I’d use my vast wealth to finance the construction of a time machine. I’d travel 27 years into the past and push Paris’ pregnant mother down a flight of stairs. (Don’t worry. I’d give her a helmet.) Afterwards, I’d probably go even further back in time and meet Jesus so he could give me a well-deserved high-five. Then we’d get wasted and hunt dinosaurs with lasers I stole from the future.

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Nicollette Sheridan went to St. Barts for Christmas with her fiancé singer Michael Bolton. I’m tempted to hand Nicollette the coveted award for “Hottest Old Chick of 2007” right now because she is smoking. But I need to be objective and maintain my journalistic integrity. I still have to judge the swimsuit competition at the nursing home this weekend. There might be a looker in the bunch. Then I’ll court her with promises of shuffleboard and peanut brittle. It’s almost too easy…

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The Hilton family spent Christmas in Hawaii and Nicky Hilton decided to spread some holiday cheer by wearing a bikini. I’m surprised at the shapeliness of Nicky’s ass compared to the frailness of her figure. I would’ve expected her butt to be entirely level or concave even. I also assumed the slightest of ocean currents would whisk her off deep into the Pacific dragging Paris with her but, sadly, it appears Santa didn’t get my letter this year.

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Addiction expert Marty Brenner is claiming that Britney Spears is living in “a bubble of illusion” that “could end in suicide.” Her weekend exploits hooking up with a member of the paparazzi and wearing a shirt with no bra are both disturbing attempts to regain attention after Jamie Lynn announced her pregnany, Brenner tells The Sun:

“Britney appears to be crazy.

“She is disconnected from life. She’s losing it now, and she’s going to eventually lose it altogether if she doesn’t get the help she needs.

“She’s exhibiting bipolar signs and she’s clearly fighting depression.”

I think everyone needs to see the big picture here: At least Britney Spears is only flashing her nipples and publicly flaunting her rampant promiscuity. She could be trying to upstage Jamie Lynn by getting pregnant. I think that’s the worst case scenario and God, I hope I didn’t just jinx us all by making that statement. If another child comes out of Britney’s uterus, I’m going to drink myself into a stupor and, in sheer defiance of the laws of science, not yell “Woo!” before I pass out this time.

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R&B singer Brandy has yet to be charged with vehicular manslaughter from her December 2006 crash that left a woman dead. Apparently, the delay is because authorities have evidence that conclude Brandy may not have been the one at fault. The California Highway Patrol shared some of this information with TMZ that puts the situation in a new light:

A CHP source tells TMZ the woman who died in the car accident involving Brandy actually struck the vehicle in front of her before Brandy made any contact. The law enforcement source says Awatef Aboudihaj, the woman who died, struck the car in front of her — which was going 65 mph, and then slammed on her brakes. We’re told the sudden stop caused Brandy to hit the dead woman’s car.

The woman also had traces of marijuana in her system, according to the LA County Coroner. The city has until Friday to file charges against Brandy before the statute of limitations runs out, but it will be next to impossible to prove negligence on Brandy’s part. Wow, way to dodge a legal bullet by actually being innocent. I usually just flee to Mexico. It gives me an excuse to get out of the house and really find myself (i.e. drink tequila out of a sombrero).

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Britney Spears could face jail-time if she skips her scheduled court hearing next week. Britney will be deposed by Kevin Federline’s attorneys who were not thrilled when Britney claimed to be too ill to appear at a deposition hearing a few weeks ago. OK Magazine reports:

But considering the potentially dire consequences for Brit, she might want to think twice before oversleeping or calling in sick next week.
“She could go to jail for contempt of court if she refuses to show,” one legal eagle confirms to OK!.

Whatever happened to firing squads? I always thought those were an effective legal practice. If there’s anybody we should bring it back for, it’s Britney Spears. I took the liberty of drawing up a diagram of the awesome results my proposal would bring. It’s more or less a picture of Britney’s kids miraculously living to age ten, still possessing all their limbs and speaking a recognizable form of English. Oh, and if you look in the background, there’s the cure for AIDS.

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Paris Hilton’s little brother Barron (left) supposedly spent the night in a hotel with his girlfriend Skye Peters, daughter of producer of Jon Peters and his ex-wife Christine. Both kids are only 16. Page Six reports:

On Friday, the two holed up in room 261 at the Bel Air Hotel and “something happened,” said a friend of Jon’s, as “police were called.” A rep for Jon reached the producer at his Santa Barbara ranch and told Page Six: “Jon has responded that he will be looking into the purported relationship, and why Christine is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out.”

I’ll tell you why Christine is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out. She was lucky enough to receive an advanced copy of Lynne Spears’ book. Clearly, Christine was motivated by Chapter 4: Hotels and Teenagers – Oh, They’ll Just Watch a Movie or Something; They’re Good Kids.

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