Were you born stupid?

Lindsay Lohan, or as I affectionately call her “Cinnamon Chesterton,” knocked back vodka and champagne at a West Hollywood club the other night. Heeding the drunken call of her fiery master, Lindsay went on a manhunt and set her eyes on Adrian Grenier. But things didn’t go as planned, according to NY Daily News:

LiLo at first gravitated to Grenier, pulling off her red leather jacket and pulling him onto the dance floor. But when the girl he came with reclaimed the “Entourage” star, Lohan made her way over to the table where Leo was partying with Kevin Connolly and Lukas Haas. “She was very flirty with Leo,” says our spy. “But he wasn’t saying much to her.” DiCaprio and Grenier and their posses exited around 2 a.m., leaving Lohan with some girlfriends.

Kevin Connolly, foolishly thinking he’d touch his first boob, tried to make a pass at the desperate Lindsay. She said she was here with a date then started making out with her purse. Kevin Connolly, cockblocked by a handbag again, sulked sadly back to his home in the Shire to watch porn with Bilbo Baggins. But no eye contact!

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent Valentine’s Day eating on a sailboat. A docked sailboat - where they posed for the most ridiculously non-candid photos ever. Seriously, could these shots be any less natural? Why don’t Heidi and Spencer do something like normal people? Go to a movie. Eat a candlelight dinner. Or have really awkward pity sex with your date because she watched you cry when the naval base wouldn’t rent you a submarine with live torpedoes. All I wanted to do was fire at civilian targets code-named “Funbags” and “Douchehole.” But I digress. What I’m really getting at is; I had sex last night. In your face!

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman, King of the Mole People, had a romantic Valentine’s dinner last night at Giorgio Baldi. I’m still baffled these two reproduced. But I think I’ve got this one figured out. Originally, I believed Jordan Bratman shot $100 bills out of his penis. It was probably the most scientific explanation I could come up with. After seeing this photo, I discovered a shocking revelation. That’s not Christina Aguilera. That’s a blow-up doll, my friends. The open red lipstick mouth. Total lack of expression. Inexplicable physical contact with Jordan Bratman. My God, the answer was staring us right in the face. Clever ruse, Bratman, but you’ve been exposed. Forage all the cheese and apple cores you need then retreat back below the Earth’s surface from whence you came.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Pamela Anderson stripped last night for two sold out performances at the Crazy Horse in Paris. The crowd of over 500 fans paid $300 a pop to get in. Sadly all journalists and photographers were banned. (Sorry, guys!) Pam came on stage in a sheer black body stocking and did her stage bow on the back of a motorcycle. Her performance was an homage to ’50s sex icon Brigitte Bardot who sent Pamela flowers and wished her well. People reports:

Though the Crazy Horse specializes in presenting topless dancers, “It’s a celebration of women,” says Anderson. “It’s done very respectfully, very classy, and it’s a wonderful show for women as well as for men.”
“This isn’t for money,” said Anderson. “It’s just for the love of the art, and the Crazy Horse does it best.”

Whoa there, Pamela Anderson. I don’t go to the strip club to learn about art. I go to do math problems: If Candy is on Pole A, Trixie is on Pole B and The Superficial Writer, who only has $10, is sitting two seats down from Pole B, how many dollar bills does he need to lay down for Candy and Trixie to kiss but still have money left over for his tenth whiskey sour? (Hint: Don’t forget to carry the one.)

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Paris Hilton is having a really shitty week. She aged another year. Her brother got a DUI. And now the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services wants to take her dogs. TMZ reports:

Captain Bowers tells TMZ his department received a complaint from an animal rescue group, after Paris’ appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” on Monday. On the show, Paris talked about having 17 dogs — a huge no-no in the city of Los Angeles. A non-breeder is only allowed three dogs per address — though in Hollywood, Paris is considered a notorious breeder!

Oh yeah, I also forgot her new movie The Hottie and the Nottie tanked beyond belief at the box office and is now getting beat to hell on IMDB, according to Us Magazine:

The Hottie and the Nottie – with 2,190 low-star votes – now rests at the bottom of the IMDb user charts, even below the American Idol movie, From Justin to Kelly: With Love and Daddy Day Camp.

Wow, below From Justin to Kelly? Jesus. I almost feel bad for Paris Hilton. If I weren’t filled with a neverending desire to see her spontaneously combust. Preferably within the vicinity of Britney Spears. Whose driving a truck full of dynamite - and really pissed off bees.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Britney Spears’ father and attorney Andrew Wallet will continue their conservatorship over Britney until March 10. Yesterday’s hearing also placed Britney’s brother Bryan into the ongoing legal clusterfuck. People reports:

Britney’s father and Wallet were also granted the power to handle the singer’s taxes, and Britney’s brother Bryan, 30, was named as a trustee of her trust. According to court papers, trust funds are used “to pay for Britney’s continued security, and to pay for her medicine, food, other day-to-day expenses and for psychiatric and other medical services.”

Sam Lutfi is still hiding and has yet to be served the now two-week old restraining order. He’s rumored to be behind a New York lawyer’s attempt to make Britney’s legal troubles a federal case, according to an insider for OK! Magazine:

“He’s upset because he can’t see Britney and have her pay him money,” explains the insider. “If Sam gets paid, then he can pay the lawyer and Sands. It’s all ludicrous.”
As for whether there is any merit to this motion, the insider tells OK!, “I’d be willing to bet that aside from Sam and Sands grandstanding on the courthouse steps, this is the last we hear about it.”

I think the federal government has more dire and pressing issues on their plate than worrying about Britney Spears. I’m talking about matters of grave national security. Like determining exactly what Roger Clemens injected into his ass. Okay, in hindsight, these dudes have time on their hands. Let’s get America’s braless sweetheart in front of Congress and pray those old bastards don’t have a heart attack. Most of them haven’t seen a nipple since World War II. And it was Bob Hope’s.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Airport police arrested actress Bai Ling (Lost, Revenge of the Sith) after she stole two celebrity magazines and a pack of batteries from a gift shop at Los Angeles International Airport (mugshot above), according to the AP:

The items had a total value of $16, said Sgt. Jim Holcomb of the airport’s police department. The 41-year-old actress was detained by a store employee who summoned police, Holcomb said.

First rule of celebrity shoplifting: Steal something big. That way, when you get busted, people don’t go, “Damn, what an idiot.” If you’re caught boosting a Ferrari, that’s totally understandable and, also, hardcore. Stealing batteries? Everyone thinks you’re crazy. Or an emotionless robot like in Star Wars. What was its name? Oh yeah; Hayden Christensen.

UPDATE: E! News reports Bai Ling blames “huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine’s Day.” I guess she just needed the warm fuzzy feeling of ganking some Duracells. It all makes sense now.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Look, everybody, it’s the mentally-challenged yet awesomely augmented superhero Valentine’s Girl! Yay! She’s here to ward off loneliness and broken hearts with a barrage of nipples. Also she’s wielding her, uh, trusty baton covered in tin-foil. I have no fucking clue but God bless her retarded heart. Thanks, Valentine’s Girl!

NOTE: These are actually NSFW shots of British TV personality Katie “Jordan” Price at a book-signing this morning for her third autobiography “Jordan: Pushed to the Limit.” I had no idea her life required not one but three novels. Yet somehow none of them are part of Oprah’s Book Club. What a travesty.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Pamela Anderson stepped out in Paris last night wearing a see-through dress and no bra. She’ll also be stripping tonight at the Crazy Horse for a lucky Valentine’s crowd. I say lucky because I assume seeing Pamela Anderson naked is still awesome which, c’mon, it is. But don’t take my word for it. I’ve been drinking beer and eating candy hearts all day. Also I’m pretty sure I just had sex with the toaster.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites

Everyone’s favorite crackhead/cartoon character Pete Doherty is available for your little one’s next birthday party. Pete’s only charging $200 which is quite the bargain. Page Six reports:

“The birthday girl’s dad told him she was a huge fan,” one source told the Showbiz Spy Web site. “Pete was flattered and happy to oblige. He turned up and played his big hits. Everyone had a great time.”

I’m totally hiring Pete for my nephew’s birthday. But only as a backup in case the zoo won’t let me rent a lion. My plan is to let it just roam free around the backyard while the kids pelt it with candy. Should be a good time. If that falls through, I guess I’ll let Pete Doherty play a few songs. But only if he’s in a glass cage. I don’t need my nephew catching scurvy. You gotta take precautions with kids these days.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites