Were you born stupid?

Richie Sambora thanked all his fans and friends at a concert in Denver last night for supporting him and his dumb-as-fuck decision to drunkenly drive his Hummer all over the road with his daughter in the front seat. He couldn’t get through these difficult times without millions of people saying “We listen to Bon Jovi. How the hell do you drive sober?” People reports:

“Hello Denver,” he said, as the crowd cheered. “I just want to thank everyone for their support. Sometimes friends need the help of their friends to get by. This next song is one that keeps coming back in my life and is current again … .”

Richie then played a solo rendition of “These Days” (lyrics here) which made absolutely no sense at all. Unless the words “These days there ain’t a ladder on the streets” is alluding to the fact that Richie ran over it.

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Jennifer Lopez ventured out in public last night for the second time after giving birth to twins a few weeks ago. She attended the New York City premiere of the Rolling Stones’ film Shine a Light. Marc Anthony came with her but was too busy pretending he was in The Matrix. He refused to stop calling J-Lo “Latin Oracle” then tried to jump in his cell phone when she swung at him. Sadly, he didn’t have enough bars. Rest in peace, Salsa Neo.

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This post is not an April Fool’s Joke. Apparently Mr. T once brought a boy out of a coma. I, for one, never doubted T’s ability to make Death piss its pants. For you unbelievers out there, Mr. T shared his story in the latest issue of Empire. I present to you the Parable of T via WENN:

The poorly kid fell unconscious in Detroit, Michigan in the mid-1980s - and the only physical movement he made was in response to hearing Mr. T’s name. And when the mohawked star was in town, he stopped by the hospital to visit the ill boy - with miraculous results.
He tells Empire magazine, “His family put toys around him and one of them was a Mr. T doll. And whenever my name came up, the boy moved his arm. Somebody told the doctors I was in town, so they called me down there. I closed the curtains and prayed. Then, as I was walking down the hall, the kid suddenly came out of the coma and hollered out.
“That was my supernatural moment.”

Thanks to Andy who has agreed to single-handedly help me fund the First Holy Church of Pitying Fools. I’ll need that check by tomorrow or I’ll have to drive a black GMC van into your house. Thus sayeth the T, Amen.

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Cameron Diaz is enjoying the single life and isn’t sulking over the loss of Justin Timberlake. In fact, she’s all about the dudes and basically admits to Us Magazine that’s she a barrel of insane to date:

“I like boys — a lot. I’m boy crazy. That hasn’t changed since I was very young.”
But even Diaz knows she’s not the easiest partner to date.
“I’m a lot of woman — in a lot of ways,” she says. “And I understand that can be intimidating.”

I think what Cameron Diaz meant to say is she has a whole lot of women in her mouth. And there’s plenty of room for more! Call now. This is not a time share. Operators are standing by.

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Dearest Jan-Jan,

Before we begin, I’d like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus’ cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it’s time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.’s stomach - but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I’m about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!

Godspeed,

The Superficial Writer

NOTE: Not sure what this is, but I’m convinced it’s our duty as a society to kill it.

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