Were you born stupid?

Pete Doherty is a “scumbag,” according to Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch. Amy has been spending a lot of time with Pete Doherty while her husband is in jail and her father is not having it. The Daily Mail reports:

It has been claimed that Mitch smacked Doherty and hit him with a guitar at the Brixton concert.
Speaking to Grazia magazine, Mitch said: “I do worry about people like Pete Doherty though. He’s a scumbag. I flipped when I saw him sitting with Amy backstage at her Brixton gig. That night I went crazy. My wife thought I was going to have a heart attack, I was apoplectic…”

Hold on a second. Pete Doherty got hit by a guitar and didn’t shatter into a thousand pieces of crack? Sonofabitch. Here I had all these plans for punching Pete in his cartoon head and making a hefty profit after I swept his face into a dustpan. I even drew blueprints of me with dollar signs for eyes while standing over a stick figure with no head. It was very scientific.

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Ali Larter (right) recieved a wedding proposal from her boyfriend Hayes MacArthur over the weekend. Judging by the headline I just wrote, I’ll assume she said “yes.” The couple is “thrilled,” according to E! Online and Ali knew right away she wanted to marry Hayes:

“I told my boyfriend after three weeks that I wanted to marry him and that we could do it tomorrow,” Larter said. “Now that I’m actually in love, I know that what came before wasn’t real. It’s about being there for each other through the ups and downs of life.”

I have no idea who or what a Hayes MacArthur is, so instead I’m posting pictures of Ali Larter with Amy Smart. It’s moves like this that caused my peers to crown me the “King of Journalism.” Okay, maybe I just lined up a bunch of stuffed animals and held a crowning ceremony in my living room. But Teddy Ruxpin thinks I deserve a Pulitzer and that dude knows his shit.

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Britney Spears is apparently a pleasure to work with, according to the director of her latest video “Piece of Me.” Wayne Isham had nothing but praise for Britney despite the fact she showed up to the set 12 hours late. People reports:

“On set,” says Isham of Spears, “she was very professional, excited to work and beautiful as always. I was impressed with her focus as she choreographed the dance herself. Her endurance was remarkable, as we had a long day.”

Britney Spears choreographing? Beautiful? I find this story to be highly suspect. What are they paying you, Isham? Whatever it is, I’ll double it. And by double it, I mean $3 and half a McMuffin.

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A faulty Breathalyzer caused Mickey Rourke to be arrested for DUI last month. The actor was driving his Vespa erratically after leaving a Miami nightclub when police pulled him over. Mickey failed the Breathalyzer test but claimed he only had a few drinks. Turns out he was telling the truth, according to the Miami Herald:

Rourke was given two tests that night. On the first one, he supposedly blew a blood-alcohol reading of .081, just above the legal limit. But the control test done on the machine showed that it malfunctioned on that test.
A second test, given a few minutes later, showed Rourke had a blood alcohol level of .074.

Mickey Rourke has his license back and his lawyer Michael Grieco is waiting for the charges to be dropped. He also feels Mickey was profiled:

“A lot of times, probably most of the time, it’s good to be Mickey Rourke. This was not one of those times.”

Obviously it’s not that good to be Mickey Rourke if he’s only blowing a .074 after leaving a club. That’s unbelievably weak. My grandmother has more alcohol in her before breakfast. We try to hide all the booze, but she makes her own moonshine while we’re asleep. She even made me try it once. I no longer see in color.

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These are the final round of shots from Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova’s three-day photo shoot in St. Barts. I bet if you removed her panties an angel would fly out of her vagina. Of course, I’d shoot the angel mid-flight with my laser wang and watch it fall into the ocean. Sometimes I like to send God a message that I don’t appreciate winged creatures interrupting my sexual conquests. Like the time a dragon cock-blocked me with Jessica Simpson. I chopped off its head with a broken whiskey bottle and breathed fire down its neck. True story.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt and her fiancé Ross McCall were spotted heading to Morton’s Steak House in Burbank for a Christmas party. So much attention has been paid to Jennifer’s increased weight lately that we’ve lost sight of what really matters: Her huge breasts. I’m not even going to talk about the barely passable job her dress does of masking her expanding hips. Instead I’m going to think happy thoughts and stare into Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ample bosom. Someone should put that in a Hallmark card and send it to shut-in’s. You know, to help them capture that warm Christmas spirit.

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Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Rick Salomon on Friday, according to CelebTV.com. The couple had been married for a little over two months and it was the third time down the aisle for each of them. It was rumored that Pam and Rick would star in a reality show, but Pam shot down that idea on Thursday in her blog:

“I WAS considering…Only to promote and have people see what it’s like to create a show and be on stage starring in a big Vegas production. (probably not happening anymore) not my family life. (Never my kids) I have to make a lot of big decisions. The choices I have to make now are about quality of life. And meaning. Not about money or fame for no good reason. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But no regrets — Just living such a huge dream….I’m blessed. So many options. I can’t complain. I can be confused.”

That Rick Salomon is a lucky son of a bitch. I wish my wife would divorce me right before the holidays. Instead she’ll probably buy me golf clubs or something. Then she’ll get mad when I go on a golf trip with my buddies and have sex with a bunch of strippers. I mean, seriously, what else do you use golf clubs for? I dunno, maybe she should’ve got me a waffle iron. But then again, you know who loves waffles? Hookers.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon have reconciled and are calling off the divorce. At least until their next fight which I’m sure will involve fake breasts and a ninja. That’s just my educated guess.

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Nicole Kidman attended the premiere of The Golden Compass in Australia yesterday. Apparently she’s wearing some sort of tin-foil outfit. While her ass looks amazing in it for her age, I wonder if this is some sort of future suit that reverses the effects of time. If it is, I’d ask for my money back. Except in this case she can’t, because I sold it to her and my website clearly states “All sales are final.” But, I’m a nice guy, so here’s a free bottle of “Make Tom Cruise Love Me” spray. It’s guaranteed to work. Just ask Katie Holmes on those rare days she’s allowed out of the house.

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Britney Spears failed to show up for her court deposition last week claiming to be ill. Her friend Sam Lufti told the press she was suffering from severe anxiety that day from all the paparazzi attention. Kevin Federline’s lawyer is already seeking to prevent Britney from increasing her visitation rights and has now scheduled a court hearing to determine the validity of Britney’s anxiety claims, according to Us Weekly:

“If the paparazzi are something that are causing anxiety, that is something I would assume that she deals with most of her life.
“So I am not sure why the paparazzi anxiety level happened to coincide with the fact that the court ordered her to appear to be cross examined.”

Britney was seen out at two a.m. the day she skipped her court hearing and seemed to be having no problem with the paparazzi which set the ball in motion for this latest hearing. Kevin’s lawyers need to understand Britney’s lists of priorities that she will overcome anxiety for:

1. Starbucks.
2. Gas station burritos.
3. Gas for her car.
4. Cigarettes – from a gas station.
5. Cigarette lighter – preferably with Chevron or Exxon logo.

Where do her kids rank? Ha! That’s cute you think they’re on here. But, seriously, not a chance. Unless they start shooting Super Unleaded out of their ears which I hear Britney’s getting estimates for, so I take that as a step in the right direction.

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Rihanna wore this bondage-inspired outfit at a concert in Glasgow, Scotland Saturday night. It’s kind of like she’s in The Matrix which would be awesome. We could totally do it in bullet-time. You know, mostly for the ability to perform gravity-defying love making maneuvers. And not at all because I’m curious to see what sex is like for more than a minute. Because I already know. A leprechaun shows up after ten minutes and feeds you grapes. It happens to me all the time.

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