Were you born stupid?

I don’t know how these shots of Hayden Panettiere slipped by me, but here she is looking boobagey at the 2008 Golden Globe nominations. I’m usually on top of these things, but lately I’ve been a bit distracted by Kristen Bell. Perhaps the two of them should fight for my attention. But naked and then the winner cooks me a delicious meal. Sort of like how Thomas Jefferson would want it if he had the foresight and, dare I say, balls to include the right to catfights in the Constitution. Instead he included some crap about due process. Lame. Tell me, how did America win the Revolutionary War if we couldn’t even write an amendment that requires two chicks to fight, preferably nude, or in a bikini? Did our Founding Fathers hide musket powder in their vaginas or something? Ooh, historical burn!

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Helena Bonham Carter gave birth to a baby girl late Saturday evening in London. This is the second child for Helena and her husband director Tim Burton. They chose not to learn the sex of the baby prior to delivery because regardless it was getting an Edward Scissorhands-themed nursery anyway. The two also received Golden Globe nominations for their work in Sweeney Todd which they learned about while at the doctor’s office, according to People:

“We were talking about inducing, and Tim got a call from his assistant,” Bonham Carter told PEOPLE before the birth. “I do look like a globe, so it’s kind of funny. I am very round.”

Helena’s unborn child had the privilege of hearing her mother learn how to sing for the film:

“Maybe the baby’s going to come out with his hands on his ears. ‘Shut up!’ ” she laughed.

Or, I dunno, maybe the baby’s going to come out, see her parents, and say, “Yeesh! Check out you two. I’m addicted to opium already, aren’t I? Damn it all…”

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To kickoff the weekend here’s a buttload of pictures featuring Olympic gold medalist Amanda Beard in a bikini. The shots are from a photo shoot in Hawaii for Triathlete magazine. But who cares? It’s Amanda Beard in a bikini! Which would be a lot more exciting if her face didn’t look, well, like this. The only way my penis could be any more confused is if I suddenly found out Jessica Alba was my sister. And a man.

To kickoff the weekend here’s a buttload of pictures featuring Olympic gold medalist Amanda Beard in a bikini. The shots are from a photo shoot in Hawaii for Triathlete magazine. But who cares? It’s Amanda Beard in a bikini! Which would be a lot more exciting if her face didn’t look, well, like this. The only way my penis could be any more confused is if I suddenly found out Jessica Alba was my sister. And a man.

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Britney Spears could’ve performed on American Idol or been a guest judge had she pulled herself together. In a conference call yesterday with US magazine, Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe explained the problem with Britney:

“Britney, at this moment in time, I don’t think is well enough to do anything,” he continued. “I think she needs looking after. I think she needs to pull herself together.”
Lythgoe added that Spears is an “exceptionally talented girl” but “needs taking care of right now.”

Okay, who’s the crazy one here? The gas station bandit or the producer who thinks she’s talented? I’m at a loss. I guess I’ll just toss a coin in the air then walk away because I really couldn’t care less at this point. In fact, I’m going to read this recipe for Wiener schnitzel instead and probably be a better person for it. Wait, it’s made with veal! I’ve been going about this all wrong. I guess I should clean these bread crumbs off before I put my pants back on. Or not…

Britney Spears could’ve performed on American Idol or been a guest judge had she pulled herself together. In a conference call yesterday with US magazine, Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe explained the problem with Britney:

“Britney, at this moment in time, I don’t think is well enough to do anything,” he continued. “I think she needs looking after. I think she needs to pull herself together.”
Lythgoe added that Spears is an “exceptionally talented girl” but “needs taking care of right now.”

Okay, who’s the crazy one here? The gas station bandit or the producer who thinks she’s talented? I’m at a loss. I guess I’ll just toss a coin in the air then walk away because I really couldn’t care less at this point. In fact, I’m going to read this recipe for Wiener schnitzel instead and probably be a better person for it. Wait, it’s made with veal! I’ve been going about this all wrong. I guess I should clean these bread crumbs off before I put my pants back on. Or not…

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Here are some shots of Kristin Davis filming a scene for the Sex and the City movie.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Her character Charlotte just finished working out - at a gym!

***END SPOILER***

I admire how Kristin Davis doesn’t cave into peer pressure and continues to maintain her good looks as evidenced by her great abs. Meanwhile her cast mates allow themselves to be ravaged by the effects of time. Although, let’s be real, Sarah Jessica Parker was born with the face of a bridge troll. I even hear she visits hospitals to reverse the effects of Viagra overdose, so God bless her for overcoming adversity and being a beacon of light and stuff. Just don’t look at me.

Here are some shots of Kristin Davis filming a scene for the Sex and the City movie.

***SPOILER ALERT***

Her character Charlotte just finished working out - at a gym!

***END SPOILER***

I admire how Kristin Davis doesn’t cave into peer pressure and continues to maintain her good looks as evidenced by her great abs. Meanwhile her cast mates allow themselves to be ravaged by the effects of time. Although, let’s be real, Sarah Jessica Parker was born with the face of a bridge troll. I even hear she visits hospitals to reverse the effects of Viagra overdose, so God bless her for overcoming adversity and being a beacon of light and stuff. Just don’t look at me.

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Quentin Tarantino has officially lost his shit. Yesterday at the 68th Annual Golden Globe nominations ceremony he told OK! Magazine he would love to work with Lindsay Lohan:

“[Lohan] is one of the best actresses in Hollywood.”
When asked if he’d ever cast Lindsay in a Kill Bill-type role, Tarantino said, “I could cast Lindsay in almost anything!”

A coffin. With both of them inside. Then I’d drop it somewhere deep within the Pacific. Now let’s go watch Sister Street Fighter and get ourselves some tasty milkshakes.

[Flashback to a minute ago.]

Do you know what I’d like to see Quentin cast Lindsay in? You’re going to want to sit down for this one, daddy-o.

Directed by Quentin Tarantino. He hates chronology.

Quentin Tarantino has officially lost his shit. Yesterday at the 68th Annual Golden Globe nominations ceremony he told OK! Magazine he would love to work with Lindsay Lohan:

“[Lohan] is one of the best actresses in Hollywood.”
When asked if he’d ever cast Lindsay in a Kill Bill-type role, Tarantino said, “I could cast Lindsay in almost anything!”

A coffin. With both of them inside. Then I’d drop it somewhere deep within the Pacific. Now let’s go watch Sister Street Fighter and get ourselves some tasty milkshakes.

[Flashback to a minute ago.]

Do you know what I’d like to see Quentin cast Lindsay in? You’re going to want to sit down for this one, daddy-o.

Directed by Quentin Tarantino. He hates chronology.

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Here’s a clip from Britney Spears’ new music video for “Piece of Me.” I’m surprised Britney Spears can still lip-synch. I was pretty sure she’d stick her tongue out at the camera then sort of fall over and lick the stage until the song ends. Well played, Britney. I also like how, at the age of 26, she already can’t even play herself and requires a body double. Some performers have to wait until they’re almost 40 for that honor but not Britney. She’s magic!

Here’s a clip from Britney Spears’ new music video for “Piece of Me.” I’m surprised Britney Spears can still lip-synch. I was pretty sure she’d stick her tongue out at the camera then sort of fall over and lick the stage until the song ends. Well played, Britney. I also like how, at the age of 26, she already can’t even play herself and requires a body double. Some performers have to wait until they’re almost 40 for that honor but not Britney. She’s magic!

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Russian model and America’s Most Smartest Model contestant Andre Birleanu wants to wash his hands of VH1. He claims the network has damaged his reputation after they advised him not to respond to allegations that he molested two women at a nightclub in New York. Andre was arrested for the incident on October 25 and is now talking to the press. Page Six reports:

“VH1 has not allowed me to comment to the press or to clear my name. They tell me not to say anything, but then they don’t stand up for me.
“I had a great career before the show, and now I am losing a lot because of VH1. I made them money and they destroyed me.”

However, it also seems VH1 is distancing itself from Andre. This might be considered a spoiler, or not, so you’ve been warned:

Birleanu is also upset that VH1 asked him not to come to a wrap party for the show tomorrow in Los Angeles in light of his arrest. “It is a party for me, and they told me I can not come,” he said.
A VH1 spokesperson responded, “That’s funny. We thought the party was for Sunday’s season finale - not him.”

They should make Andre fight Rocky Balboa. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but my knowledge of Russian culture starts and ends with Rocky IV. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m embarrassed for you. Maybe you should pick up a history book and learn a little bit about this country of ours. It’s called America. And Rocky didn’t fight Ivan Drago, thus ending the Cold War, just so you could grow up ignorant. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go spar an American flag inside a meat locker because I’m a motherfucking patriot.

Russian model and America’s Most Smartest Model contestant Andre Birleanu wants to wash his hands of VH1. He claims the network has damaged his reputation after they advised him not to respond to allegations that he molested two women at a nightclub in New York. Andre was arrested for the incident on October 25 and is now talking to the press. Page Six reports:

“VH1 has not allowed me to comment to the press or to clear my name. They tell me not to say anything, but then they don’t stand up for me.
“I had a great career before the show, and now I am losing a lot because of VH1. I made them money and they destroyed me.”

However, it also seems VH1 is distancing itself from Andre. This might be considered a spoiler, or not, so you’ve been warned:

Birleanu is also upset that VH1 asked him not to come to a wrap party for the show tomorrow in Los Angeles in light of his arrest. “It is a party for me, and they told me I can not come,” he said.
A VH1 spokesperson responded, “That’s funny. We thought the party was for Sunday’s season finale - not him.”

They should make Andre fight Rocky Balboa. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but my knowledge of Russian culture starts and ends with Rocky IV. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m embarrassed for you. Maybe you should pick up a history book and learn a little bit about this country of ours. It’s called America. And Rocky didn’t fight Ivan Drago, thus ending the Cold War, just so you could grow up ignorant. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go spar an American flag inside a meat locker because I’m a motherfucking patriot.

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Some new shots of Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova’s photo shoot in St. Barts have popped up. Nothing like a hot young model to help kick off your Friday. Of course, if you’re like me, your weekend began last night. Okay, maybe not so much last night as around lunch time when I filled my Thermos full of schnapps at work. However, I don’t think my co-workers enjoyed my input at the big meeting later that day. Apparently standing up and announcing that Jill from accounting was giving me a boner wasn’t the correct response to the budget report. Especially considering I was seated right next to her and had also misplaced my pants. But then my boss gave me a “permanent vacation.” Ha ha! Suck on that, co-workers. I totally win.

Some new shots of Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova’s photo shoot in St. Barts have popped up. Nothing like a hot young model to help kick off your Friday. Of course, if you’re like me, your weekend began last night. Okay, maybe not so much last night as around lunch time when I filled my Thermos full of schnapps at work. However, I don’t think my co-workers enjoyed my input at the big meeting later that day. Apparently standing up and announcing that Jill from accounting was giving me a boner wasn’t the correct response to the budget report. Especially considering I was seated right next to her and had also misplaced my pants. But then my boss gave me a “permanent vacation.” Ha ha! Suck on that, co-workers. I totally win.

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Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan is furious that Britney did not show up for her deposition on Wednesday. He takes issue with Britney being too ill to appear in court, but she was able to party later that evening. Kaplan is petitioning the judge to not allow Britney to increase her visitation rights or request a revision in custody. TMZ reports:

We’re told this is the fourth time Britney has been a no-show for her depo. Sources say Kaplan feels that Britney should not be allowed to have her Twinkie and eat it too. In other words, she should not be allowed to go into court and ask to restore custody if she won’t sit for a deposition to determine if she really is a fit parent.

Is a deposition really necessary to prove Britney Spears is an unfit parent? Do we have to involve the courts? I think it goes without saying that Britney’s children would be better off in a shark tank with steaks tied to their legs. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s on their Christmas list for Santa. Right underneath “New underwear for Mommy” and “The name of good therapist.” Smart kids; in spite of their genes.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan is furious that Britney did not show up for her deposition on Wednesday. He takes issue with Britney being too ill to appear in court, but she was able to party later that evening. Kaplan is petitioning the judge to not allow Britney to increase her visitation rights or request a revision in custody. TMZ reports:

We’re told this is the fourth time Britney has been a no-show for her depo. Sources say Kaplan feels that Britney should not be allowed to have her Twinkie and eat it too. In other words, she should not be allowed to go into court and ask to restore custody if she won’t sit for a deposition to determine if she really is a fit parent.

Is a deposition really necessary to prove Britney Spears is an unfit parent? Do we have to involve the courts? I think it goes without saying that Britney’s children would be better off in a shark tank with steaks tied to their legs. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s on their Christmas list for Santa. Right underneath “New underwear for Mommy” and “The name of good therapist.” Smart kids; in spite of their genes.

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