Were you born stupid?

They were soooooo stupid

..They took a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
..They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..They thought a quarterback was a refund.
..They tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
..They thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..They thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..They thought General Motors was in the Army.
..They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..They thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..Under “education” on their job application, they put “Hooked On Phonics.”
..They tripped over a cordless phone.
..They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate.”

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Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

“Five minutes later…

“Daaaa-aaaad…”

“WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Ant Humor

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant’s dinner?
An ant’s mouth!

Simple Home Remedies

- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

- Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Unspeakable

A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk! Help me!”

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” the man yelled.

“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the ‘B’.”

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The #2 pencil…

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!….You don’t even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. “Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

“Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,”Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The nun fainted.

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WHO SAYS MEN DON’T
REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

            A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
            not in their bed.            She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

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New Rule:?No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.?

New Rule:?Stop giving me that pop-up ad for?classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing th ese days — mowing my lawn.?

New Rule:?Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster??

New Rule:?Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky bastards.’?

New Rule:?Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.?

New Rule:There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drin k. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.?

New Rule:?The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet,’ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.?

New Rule:?I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want Cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.?

New Rule:?Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it trans lates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.?

New Rule:?If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.?

New Rule:?And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell If he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands?

New Rule:?When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.?

New Rule:?If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’

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 It’s time again for the annual “Stella Awards”!  For those unfamiliar
with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in
New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.  You remember, she took the
lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.
Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

  That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
verdicts in the U.S.   You know, the kinds of cases that make you
scratch your head.  So keep your head scratcher handy.

  Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

  7TH PLACE :

  Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store.  The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
son. < /B>

  6TH PLACE:

  Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps.

  Go ahead, grab your head scratcher. 
 
  5TH PLACE :

  Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for Dickson,
the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the
garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the
door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it
shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s
insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.  Amazingly, the jury
said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. 
We should all have this kind of anguish.

  Keep scratching.  There are more…

  4TH PLACE :

  Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.  Williams did not get
as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have
been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed
over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet
gun.

  Grrrrr …  Scratch, scratch

  3RD PLACE :

  Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because
a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113, 500 after she
slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the
soft drink was on the floor:  Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument.  What ever happened to people
being responsible for their own actions ?

  Scratch, scratch, scratch.  Hang in there; there are only two more
Stellas to go…

  2ND PLACE:

  Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth.  Even though Ms.  Walton was trying
to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh,
yeah, plus dental expenses.  Go figure.

  1ST PLACE:   (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?)

  This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs.  Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home.  On her first trip home from an OU football game,
having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to
make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the
freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski
sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t
actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.  The
Oklahoma jury awarded h er, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new
motor home.  Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of
this suit, just in case Mrs.  Grazinski has any relatives who might
also buy a motor home.

  Are we, as a society, getting more stupid…????

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FLORIDA
 Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”
 The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see FLORIDA ???

TWO DOGS
 A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone
naming dogs like that?”
 ”HEL LLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

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> 1st DEGREE
>
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
> morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
> listened a
> moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from
> here!” and
> hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I
> don’t
> know, some woman wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
>
> 2nd DEGREE
>
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
> compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She
> opens it, looks
> in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
> The
> second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” so the first blonde
> hands
> her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,
> “You dummy, it’s me!”
>
>
> 3rd DEGREE
>
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
> she
> goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> unexpectedly and
> when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a
> redhead.
> Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take
> out
> the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She
> takes the
> gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey,
> don’t
> do it!!!” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
>
> 4th DEGREE
>
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
> capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead,ask me, I know all of
> them.”
> A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?” The
> blonde
> replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
>
> 5th DEGREE
>
> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she
> was pregnant? “Is it mine?”
>
> 6th DEGREE
>
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
> sat
> in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she
> knew
> what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then
> finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to
> make
> before he crossed the Delaware ”
>
>
> 7th DEGREE
>
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
> her
> house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at
> once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast
> the
> call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the
> first to
> respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
> on a
> leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight
> of the
> cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face
> in
> her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions
> stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
> send
> me a BLIND policeman!”

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  Dear Airlines,

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted  them
in the  first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with  good-looking
strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food  
anymore, so what’s the  loss?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

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