Were you born stupid?

Lindsay Lohan brought her cans to Cannes (Ha! Get it? I’m retarded.) along with her gal-pal Samantha Ronson. The two are rumored to be a couple and apparently were caught kissing on P. Diddy’s yacht. But it was more the “Aww, they’re so happy together” lesbian kiss than the “WOO-HOO! BUST OUT THE PUDDING!” lesbian kiss. I’m saddened in the pants. The Sun reports:

The snaps - taken at P DIDDY’S exclusive yacht party - will certainly add fuel to the fire of Internet bloggers who claim the pair are lesbian lovers. In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5.30am.
A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other. If they are together then it’s a nice vision of their love.”

I gotta admit; Lindsay is looking banging in these photos. While, on the other end of the spectrum, Samantha Ronson continues to look like Freddy Krueger’s lesbian kid sister. Frankly, I don’t know which one is more frightening: Freddy has claws on his hands and can kill you in your sleep. But Samanta makes big-breasted girls hate the penis - Yikes! *crawls under desk* Mommy.

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Jenna Jameson fancies herself as the next Angelina Jolie. Frankly, I’m surprised they’re not twin sisters. Who knew? Anyway, Jenna, who is way younger than her face and duck lips suggest, is ready to become a walking baby factory, according to Us Magazine:

“I think I’m gonna stay unmarried, and just go for the babies!” Jameson, 34, told Usmagazine.com at Maxim’s Hot 100 bash in L.A. Wednesday. “I’m following in Angelina’s footsteps! We’re trying for a baby, so hopefully in the next couple of months!”

Baby #1: Mommy, where did all your money come from?

Jenna Jameson: DAMMIT, CALL ME ANGELINA! Tito, your kid’s acting up again.

Tito Ortiz: Tito punch!

Oh yeah, this’ll go well.

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While John Mayer is allegedly wielding a Herculean wang, that doesn’t stop him from finding other ways to satisfy the ladies. Apparently he carries around an arsenal of sexy gadgets in his man-purse. Check out this report from Star on the action Jennifer Aniston is getting:

She is having the best sex of her life with John,” a source close to the actress tells Star, “and she’s loving every minute of it.”
According to the source, the singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps.
“John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing, which is new for Jen,” says the source. “She was a little resistant at first, but now you couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if you tried.”
Another source who has slept with John agrees he knows how to have a good time between the sheets. “He was kinky and liked trying crazy positions. He loved sex and wanted it all the time.”

Role-playing, huh? I wonder how many times they argue over who gets to be Ross….

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Denise Richards is taking advantage of the news vacuum created by the 3-Day Weekend and opening her mouth to anyone in the press that will listen. This time around, it’s Page Six who has the scoop on Charlie Sheen’s sperm:

Richards claims the e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: “I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

And then, like any good divorcee, Denise continued rambling about her interactions with Charlie:

“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam’s school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold,” Richards said. “His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’ My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.”

I don’t want to call this press barrage brilliant marketing for Denise’s show - because it’s not. I’ve now gone from having zero interest in her show to wanting to break into anyone’s house that’s watching it and drown their TV in the tub. It’s actually a pretty feasible aspiration as long as those five people* live close to each other. Also, I’m not even bothering to stop Denise herself from watching. Are you kidding me? She’s infected with tranny-sperm. Eww! Gross!

*Margin of error +/- 5. But mostly -.

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Years ago, I swore a sacred oath to always post pictures of chicks in bikinis regardless of race, age or booblessness. You see, my father before me was a bikini poster. And his father before him. And so on and so forth through the Superficial lineage. Our sacred tradition dates all the way back to Krog the Cave Poster who was revered as a pioneer in his tribe. Until one day, fire shot out of his cock forcing the elders to deem Krog a wizard. He was fed to a woolly mammoth but not before passing on his bikini sharing skills to his son: Sir Jesus From The Bible Christ Superficial. True story.

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On Monday I reported that Kevin Federline is still in love with Britney. Well, it turns out the two saw each other over Easter and are in talks for a getaway to rekindle their romance. Now would be a good time to buy Cheetos stock.Star reports:

And that March 23 rendezvous went so well, insiders explain, that Brit and Kevin have agreed to take a trip far from the glare of Hollywood to work on their relationship.
“Kevin wants to take Britney away to see if there is anything to salvage between them,” a family friend tells Star. “When he suggested it to her, she told him she was ready to go anytime he was.”

May I recommend a location for the lovebirds? It’s a quiet little place. Don’t know if you heard it. It’s called THE CENTER OF THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN! I’ll provide the rocket. Get NASA on the line. Tell them “The Pillsbury Dough Girl is ready for the oven.” Be sure they know I mean Britney and not Jennifer Love Hewitt. Our puny Earth rockets are only so strong. For now…

Video of Britney after the jump leaving Tracey Ross in West Hollywood and having her giant bodyguard crawl over her. Spoiler: She lives.

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Christina Ricci, like most of the civilized world, wants Jessica Biel’s butt and she’s shouting it from the rooftops. Or People Magazine, if you want to argue over semantics:

“I asked my trainer, ‘Can you give me Jessica Biel’s butt?’” the actress – who starred with Biel’s beau Timberlake in last year’s Black Snake Moan – tells the U.K. edition of Elle. “I want a bigger butt.”
Alas, because of her tiny frame, “they said I couldn’t,” she laments. “Everyone wants what they can’t have!”

Christina Ricci, I, too want Jessica Biel’s ass. Mostly for haberdashery purposes, but we should get together sometime and compare notes. Perhaps over coffee or, oh, I dunno, my bathtub. Why not both? Just don’t laugh at my shower cap and scald my nips off with French Roast.

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Ivanka Trump the 26-year-old daughter of Donald and Ivana Trump is back on the market. And unlike another certain heiress we know, Ivanka is STD-free and runs her own mortgage empire. (Read: She’ll buy you a Wii.) Page Six reports:

We noticed Trump - who had been dating real estate mogul and New York Observer owner Jared Kushner for almost a year - was flying solo at a few recent soirees, and friends of the couple confirmed yesterday to Page Six that the power couple are no longer together.

I don’t think many of us common Joes stand a chance. Ivanka’s probably looking for a guy that’s A.) super loaded. and B.) has testicles made of Faberge eggs. Sadly, mine are only lined with diamonds. God, I suck.

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At long last Heidi Montag has endorsed a candidate for president. Us Weekly has the exclusive news on who America’s phoniest belle wants to lead our country to greatness:

“I’m a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience,” she explains.
What Pratt, 24, warned her about making an endorsement, Montag replied, “I don’t think anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for.”

Now I know this isn’t a political site and I’m not here to make comments such as “Oh, wow, a rich white blonde with fake tits and the IQ of a Frosted Mini Wheat votes Republican. Who saw that coming?” That’s not my bag. What is my bag is providing photo retrospectives like the one I included with this post. I present to you Heidi Montag: Feminist Icon, Political Jugs-ernaut. Vote stupidly big, America!

NOTE: I’m moving to Denmark.

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Katie Holmes has successfully completed Phase 2 of Operation: Creepily Look like My Husband. Maybe Tom Cruise will have sex with his wife now that she’s practically a taller version of himse- no, wait. Her vagina. Shit. Nevermind…

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